Guilt
by ElliementaryMyDearWatson
Summary: Gale post Mockingjay. He is trying to move on, but can't. "How can one little girl cause such a big tear in my heart" All credit for the story goes to Lullabies To Morning Skies One Shot.


I like to keep busy. When I'm not working, I sit alone in my house, trying my hardest to keep my mind blank. A lot of girls in the district find me alluring, mysterious. But I'm none of those things. I am simply broken. For a long time, all I felt was pain. But I blocked it out, replaced it with nothingness. As long as I don't think, I don't remember. I have a few friends that I go out with occasionally. Every now and again, I'll feel better, normal, okay. But then I feel happy, and I'm overcome with guilt. I can't feel happy. I shouldn't feel happy. Prim is the one who should be happy. She'd be 15 or 16 now. She should be having her first kiss, falling in love, staying up late and having fun with her best friends. But Prim is dead. Prim is dead because of my bombs, because of me. I killed her. And I will spend the rest of my life wishing with all of my heart that that bright, beautiful girl was still alive. I'll never forgive myself.

One day in the spring, it was my friend Neela's birthday. Neela was beautiful. She was the opposite of Katniss, where Katniss was dark Neela was light, with soft blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and dimples in her chin when she smiled.

I had a few other friends, Sorra, a redhead with a loud laugh, Lee, a quiet dark skinned man that I worked with, and Mundy, a chubby man who told stupid jokes. They would all be at Neela's that night. I wasn't really looking forward to it- I was only going because I knew Neela wanted me to.

After work, Lee and I walked to Neela's. He was talkative, filling every empty space with mindless chatter. I didn't have to say a word, only nod when he needed approval and laugh after every joke. That was alright with me.

When we got to Neela's, she was waiting by the door, her cheeks rosy and her lips pink. She was wearing a blue dress that hugged every curve. She was stunning.

"You look great!" Lee told her. "Happy birthday!"

"Thank you!" She smiled. "Hi Gale."

"Hi." I muttered. I felt like telling her how beautiful she looked. But I couldn't. "Happy birthday."

She thanked me and welcomed us in. Sorra and Mundy were already there, sitting on the couch, Mundy's arm draped around her shoulders.

"Hey Lee!" Mundy said. "And hey Gale."

"Hi." I muttered, sitting awkwardly on a wooden chair. Lee sat on the couch. Neela rushed out to the kitchen, coming back with a platter of food and drinks. The drinks were a golden, with a thin white foam floating on top. I had never seen anything like them before.

"It's called Goldine." Neela explained. "It's from the capitol. I've never had it before, but its supposed to be really good. Anyone want some?" I took one of the little glasses, and took a tentative sip. It tasted sweet, and smooth. Its warmth spread throughout my body. I felt… Happy. And that was only after one sip! Without thinking, I drained the rest of the glass. Before I knew it I was leaning back comfortably in the chair, my feet resting on the coffee table. I felt a smile growing on my face. A smile! It had been months since I smiled a real smile.

By 6, I had had 3 glasses of Goldine. I was laughing, joking. I could feel everyone's eyes on me. They had never seen me like this before.

"I say we play truth or dare!" Sorra said at around 8. She was stretched out across Mundy's lap, a lazy smile on her face. Mundy was running his fingers through her long hair.

"Okay!" Neela grinned. "You should go first, Sorra!"

"Dare." She said.

"Ummm… I dare you to kiss Mundy!"

We continued like that, little kisses and hugs and meaningless secrets. Finally, I chose dare.

"Alright." Lee said. "I dare you to kiss Neela!"

I froze for second, locking eyes with Neela. She nodded.

Shaking a little, I stood and went to her. She smiled at me, and I thought my heart might stop. I could remember feeling this way about Katniss, in another lifetime. Neela wasn't even my type. But that didn't stop by heart from pounding, my face from turning red, my hands from getting clammy… Finally, I leaned in, and my lips touched hers, and I forgot everything. My life, my name, even the things I had done. For a moment, the only thing that existed was Neela, her soft lips and smooth skin and silky hair. She touched my face and pressed her body into mine, setting my skin on fire…

And then it was over. She sat back down and so did I. But we never broke eye contact, not once. No one had ever kissed me like that. Ever.

"Woah…" Lee muttered. "That was… Um…"

Then there was a knock on the door. Neela tore her eyes away from mine and went to open it. Everyone was staring at me as I followed her down the hall and to the door. She opened it and…

There was a little girl there. Blonde. With her hair in two braids and her eyes bright and blue. I froze as I watched Neela hug her and then lead her into the living room.

"This is my little sister, Mae."

But Mae wasn't the name I was thinking of. There was only one word in my head. Prim.

"I've got to go." I said suddenly, cutting Mundy off. "Sorry."

I stood quickly, and then raced towards the door, pushing Neela put of the way.

"Gale!" She cried. "Come back- Gale!"

But I was already gone, out of the door and down the street.

I had let myself go. I had been happy. I wasn't supposed to be happy. I had killed a little girl. I had killed Prim. I was a murderer. I was supposed to be punishing myself, not drinking some fancy drink and kissing a beautiful girl. I hated myself.

Tomorrow I would get on a train and leave district 2. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't stay anywhere. Maybe I would jump in front of the train instead. I would die quickly- but did I deserve that? A quick, painless death? Had Prim died painlessly? Or was it long and agonizing? Did she know that I, her protector, her friend, had created that bomb, that plan? Did she hate me as the fire stole the life from her body?

I tripped, and tumbled into a bush. I felt a sob rip though my body, shaking me as I struggled to stand. There were footsteps behind me. Neela. I couldn't let her see me this way. I couldn't let her see me again, ever. I liked her too much. I had to leave. I couldn't let her fall in love with a monster…

I felt a hand on my arm.

"Gale, what's wrong? Are you okay? What happened back there?"

"Nothing." I muttered. "I'm okay. Just… Let go!"

I struggled against her grip, hut she wasn't letting go. She was a lot stronger than I had thought.

"Please just talk to me. Was it because… Because I kissed you? I shouldn't have kissed you like that… I'm sorry… But…"

"It's not about that!" A kiss. I couldn't imagine being upset over a kiss. I had been, once. But kisses are petty things, not worth the worry. I had seen too much, done top much, felt too much to be bothered by a silly kiss. A silly kiss that I had very much enjoyed… No. I cast that thought from my mind.

"Oh. Good… But Gale, please tell me. You can trust me, I promise…"

Could I tell Neela? No. Probably not. I imagined what her pretty face would look like when I told her. Told her that I had murdered my best friends sister. That my cruel plan slaughtered innocent children and the brave medics trying to save them? That my bombs had turned the little girl I was supposed to be protecting into ashes? That she was only 13? Only 13 when I broke my promise and took her life. Prim. I was like her big brother. I ticked her. I teased her. I protected her. And then I killed her. Prim… Prim… Prim…

"Gale? Who's Prim? Why did you keep saying Prim?" Neela's voice brought me back to reality. "Wasn't that… Katniss Everdeen's sister? I remember her from the interviews. Why were you saying her name, Gale? What happened?"

I looked up at Neela, her cheeks flushed from running, her golden hair flowing to her shoulders, her blue eyes wide with concern as she gazed at me. Prim would have looked like Neela when she was older, I decided. Boys would have gone crazy over her. She would have had a boyfriend, a lot of friends. She would have been happy, sad, angry, in love, and broken hearted. She would have been alive. But I took all of that away from her. I killed her. I killed Primrose Everdeen.

"Have you ever killed anyone, Neela?" My voice cracked. Her eyes widened. She shook her head no. "Well I have. I promised my best friend that I would keep her little sister safe. And then I killed her! I killed her!"

I started to sob again. Neela looked concerned, a little disturbed, but determined. She was going to hear my answer.

"What happened, Gale?" She murmured. "How…"

So I told her. I told her everything. I started with the first day I met Katniss. How much she annoyed me. How I thought of her as a little sister, and then how I slowly fell in love with her. But this wasn't the story of me and Katniss. It was the story of me and Prim, of my promises to protect her, of her face when Katniss and I brought her her goat, of her laugh when I teased her and pretended to tie her braids into knots. I told her of the bombs, the plan. The terrible, terrible plan that killed such a beautiful little girl. Of how seeing Neela's sister, who looked so similar to Prim I was reminded of my crime… My punishment. I was too happy. I wasn't supposed to be happy. Murderers don't deserve happiness.

There was a long silence after I finished. Finally, Neela spoke.

"It's not your fault, Gale. You didn't know that your plan would be used like that. You and Beetee were just brainstorming. You're not to blame for what happened with it after you created it. It was out of your hands!"

"But…"

"I'm serious." She said. "It wasn't your fault."

I paused, staring at her. I had never thought about it that way before. Maybe Neela was right. Maybe I was innocent.

"Come on." She stood up and offered me her hand. "I'll walk you home. You're going to be okay, Gale."

I took her hand and stood up slowly. My limbs felt like lead. The image of Neela's little sister, living and breathing like I wished Prim could be, was still burned onto my eyelids. But I felt a light in my heart, a tiny spark of hope I hadn't felt in over two years. Innocent. Murderer. The two words chased eachother in circles in my mind. But in that moment, walking under a sky full of stars with a beautiful girl, innocent was winning.

But when I got back to my house, after I kissed her goodnight and shut the door behind me, that good feeling faded. I made it up the stairsand halfway down the hallway before sinking to the floor and sobbing.

I crawled into my room and into bed, where I wept until I had no tears left. Then I fell into an exhausted sleep.

I had the same dream as always. I was chasing Prim down a long corridor. At the end of the hallway there was a fire. I could smell the smoke and feel it's heat, but I couldn't warn her. I simply sprinted down the hallway after her, watching silently as she hurtled towards her doom.

But tonight it was different. She stopped suddenly and turned to face me.

"It wasn't your fault, Gale. There wasn't anything you could do to save me. I don't blame you."

Then I woke up.

My neck was stiff and my mouth was dry, but I felt better than I had in weeks, months, years. I got up and got dressed, still thinking about Prim, but not about the fire or the bombs or the parachutes, but about the good things. About her laugh, her smile, the way her shirt always came untucked in the back.

I was smiling as I remembered the good times. Before the games, before the war, when it was me and Katniss against the world. Trying to get by, trying to keep our families happy. Bringing Prim her goat, teasing Buttercup, the way Katniss' face relaxed when we went hunting.

I can hear someone knocking on the door, and I can feel my smile growing. It's Neela. I thought Katniss was the only woman I would ever feel this way about. But I my love for Katniss has faded, like snow in the springtime. I still care for her deeply, but it's time for me to move on.

I don't know what Neela and I will do today. I don't care. I just want to be with her. No more of the darkness from last night. I want to have fun. I want to kiss her again. I want to live again.

I think I'm going to be okay.

-Gale Hawthorne


End file.
